PHEW!!!! It’s all so gone

….the dark cloud has passed over my silver lining, I see it, i see it its there, theeerre, hehhehehahahahaha. Now I even the sun coming out, the damn yellow thing is here, muhahahahaha. I feel for those who are still hating their mornings, breaks, lunches, afternoons, evenining, nights and all the days. Its F**)*^&(&KING HELL I tell you. Silverbow snap out of it or so help me God I will come and buy you that rope tie it up for you.

By the way I am loving this forward

Museveni Kaguta (President), Janet Museveni (president’s wife & Minister) and Mutebile (then a Central bank Governor) were flying together in the President’s jet.

Museveni Kaguta, suddenly said: “You know what. I can throw 100,000shs out of this window and make someone happy.”

Janet Museveni, said: “I can throw 10 X 10,000shs notes out of the window and I will make 10 people unbelievably happy.”

Mutebile said: “I can throw 100 X 1000shs notes out of the window and make 100 people very very happy.”

Then the pilot looks at the co-pilot and says: “Listen to those 3 showoffs at the back…I can throw all 3 of them out of the window and I will make the whole country happy .

Dedicated esp to S.King

Chanel to the class: Neeeeeews news

Bloggers: Yes prease madamu

Chanel: My name is Chanel and others, When I was walking in Wandegeya minding my stearing I met Cheri Chantal Gipir Labong the great.

Bloggers: Where where where? Eh eh kyoka you ka galo kale nga you are a liar. Also you tello us the tulusi.
Even you mean this Chantal who bees dumping her blog?

Chanel: Yeah brothers and sisters the one and only. She is brown nga etungulu. If you dont believe me, take a look this is me besides Gipir Labong.

Badanga dwarffing me

No not high heels she was wearing them flat shoes even.
Her to me ” Eh kale you used to say that Antipop is short naye nga nawe you are short”

Yeah well darling wait when you meet her.

But that girl, she is lying she hasnt been in those of outside countries. Ask me why? Ask me? Ask me?

She doesnt look like a summer, no actually she does because she was wearing cool gladiator sandals. But she wasnt acting like a summer. I was waiting for lines like

“Back at home, you see back at home in D.C” But wapi, she was talking about how she is coming for BHH on foot (Solomon this is where you dont miss the mother of all BHH)

Then you know how the summers come here pulling off accents and acting like they are ATMs as if to kiss their asses, this Chantal, Nada. Omwana wafe wawano.

Now prease all of you I will be handing out the Chocolas at BHH. If you dont make a single straight line I wont give you Cheri’s goodies.

Its murder indeed

Yes abortion is murder, if you know the story ladies get on the pill injection, norplant, coil, female condom, ask him to wear one. If you are done having kids get the tubal ligation.

Today I am here for the fellows though, the guys, gents, niggas, brothers, the men.

Bloggers would you ever consider getting castrated? I mean having a vasectomy.

And then they were nine

On my recent visit to Kisumu a woman walked into Kmet Medical Clinic in Kisumu with a six month old in hand.

Soon as she stepped inside a little toddler probably clocking 2 years follows grabbing on his shorts to keep them in place.

And another follows with a potbell leading the way, pulling back mucas that has gathered on his mouth.

And yet a much older follows and another and another till all the nine have disappeared inside the clinic.

“Those are her nine children, I think she has come for a contraceptive method. But she looks pregnant” the health worker observes.

Why she comes with all the children you ask?

On top of the fact that the clinic provides nutrition supplements to malnourished children, this way they attract their mothers that while they bring their children for the healthy porriadge, they are taught how to plan their families.

Now the women in turn use the excuse for taking children for immunisation and nutrition to get onto any contraceptive method their husbands dont approve. In fact it calls for a beating if he finds out. So the Injectaplan is prefered because its private he wont suspect a thing.

And here she is with all nine children that way her husband would not suspect that she is trying to stop having children. He wants all of them out. He doesnt have a job by the way but I hear its an ego thing.

The men who shelter the idea or agree to lessons on family planning and escort their wives for a method or to the hospital to deliver ask that they be given tea, soda, food, entertainment, transport even an allowance.

WHY you ask again? You are taking up their valuable time they would otherwise be using at the newspaper vendor to discuss Migingo or play cards.

So woman here has come for the Injection.

“Mama you are three months pregnant” the health worker tells her. Her face is in shock she doesnt understand how that could be because she is breastfeeding. Hell no there is no way in hell she is going to add a tenth to the burden she has now.

“Give me the injection anyway” she says in Luo.

When the health worker explains that its impossible she asks that an abortion be done.

Silence.

The health worker doesnt know what explanation to give this time.

Neither do I know what you tell such a woman.

Do you know?

People…..

You mean everyone must say “Its my birthday today? Kale its my birthday today. And if you must know the magic number is 26.
You can find me at Spectrum with all your presents.
And Cheri will be a year older soon

Before you cast the stone…

One of the reasons why abortion is still going on in huge numbers by unskilled dangerous persons is because of this kind of thing “Oh my God how could you kill a life? You are a murderer. It doesn’t matter your reasons you are still a murderer. Gasiya tuu”
No wonder you sit there and pretend non of the people you know has or will ever induce an abortion.

It is why girls will just go in hiding, induce abortions at the witch doctors and end up six feet under. How about we look at why they abort?

Here is a scenario where we should stop being naïve, I mean parents should stop being Naïve and accept that their school and campus kids are having sex. A lot. And most of the time at that stage its un protected.

Now when parents and religious leaders are told to talk to young girls and boys about safe sex contraceptives, what is their reply? My kids are still young I don’t discuss those things with them.

Now picture a girl finds herself pregnant, she knows at home her parents will
a) kill her
b) send her packing to the responsible father
c) turn her into some short of example to the rest for a ruined future
d) stop paying for her school fees.
Or the 1% of sensible boys created by God who take responsibility and accept that it is indeed him who planted the seed. But he knows at home they will send him packing or pack up his things for him and ship him to an uncle to run away from the girl.

Now either of these two will talk to a few people in a harsh harsh torn and the solution, Abortion. Lets hear all those who are calling her a killer without looking at all the other responsible persons.

Like I said at Princesses one doctor confessed he has done abortions on 20 nuns, 9 IUCD implants (coils) etc etc. They too will pour scorn on a teenage/ school girl/ campus girl/ naïve girl/ girl who finds this the best solution to her future/ girl who fears ridicule from society when she gives birth out of wedlock.

Before the “How could you?” what are you doing to help those who are stuck in this situation. Shouldn’t we be discussing stopping unintended/unwanted pregnancies before we pour scorn on those who do abortions? Contraceptives not family planning to the young girls, how do you tell them family planning when they have no families to plan?

And by the way abortions are going up in the married bracket. Next time I will talk about one such woman.

I was saying….

……..the husband recognizes situation at hand employs all manner of politeness and calm, humbles self, coils his tail says girlfriend was totally in the wrong but she begs for officer’s forgiveness. “At least help me she won’t do it again.”

With all the shares we were flaunting in the officers face the man also knows he is not above the law. He’s gatta coil his tail when its required.

When the officers finally agrees to let us go she turns on us: You two idiots all asking me to say sorry do you know you made the man think I am in the wrong?

Shares dude: do you know they would have thrown you in jail for five days do you know what can happen to you there?

She: who cares? The worst that can happen they would rape me and probably give me Aids. What’s worse than that? Just rape and Aids. And if they do I can sue those motherfuckers. No in fact me and my parents can kill them, we can poison them. No in fact we can poison the man that gave me Aids.

Ahem. Anyway I have always thought that if I am going to be caught on the wrong side of the law I just tell the officer: “Without wasting anymore of your time with excuses and stories i believe you have heard a zenth time, I don’t have a driving permit, I am sorry. I am going to try and get one.
I believe these guys have heard the last lie there is to tell about driving permits how they are at home, how the housegirl washed them in your trousers how your daughter digested them or how your wife took it as ransom, every last lie and I am absolutely sure they definitely know you are lying when you open your mouth and tell that tired lie. So why not quit wasting his time, your time and stop insulting his intelligence, say sorry or pull out your wallet if you are not a woman and pay up.

Sayonara I am off for my leave

Dont know what to call this one but….

Over the weekend I watched drama live on comedy central I mean first street industrial area. Baz remember there was that old tired lullaby of a night-out-of-town idea called street jam. I even saw you there.

Ok I didn’t.

So anyway a friend of mine drives over to pick her boyfriend (?!) so they could go home and play big people games. The jam is so big like from here to there.l

He calls to find out the exact spot she is parked and she answers the phone goes in those, oh honey yes honey things lovers are possessed with.

From nowhere a police truck with nine policemen pulls over beside her

Police: YOU. Stop. Park your car

She like a woman scorned: What? Where? Who? When? Why? How? What have I done? I swear on my mother’s life I don’t have a phone. What officer I know my rights I swear you cannot scare me see I don’t have a phone I don’t even own a phone. What have I done? I swear to kill my mother I swear I wasn’t talking on the phone

Me in my head: Oh boy here goes. Who asked you about a phone anyway? (meanwhile she is shoving the phone down my legs)

Police: I said pull over you’re blocking traffic let me come there. How can you talk on the phone in the middle of all this jam? Pull over

Me IMH: Now look what you’ve done you sold yourself.

She shouting on top of her voice: Eaeehh excuse me you officer no no no don’t shout at me I am a journalist I know my rights, don’t shout at me. Where when did you see me with a phone I don’t even own a phone. You officer you think I don’t know my rights? Why is that one shouting at me? Now even that one all of you stop shouting at me I am a journalist. Chanel hide that phone in your skirt.

Me IMH: You think these people are damn fools I mean a woman driving a Rav 4 and you think they don’t know you own a phone? Or two phones at that?
And since when were journalists excused from the long arm of the law? Or are they the only ones who have rights the rest of the country don’t know their rights. She works as at teller by the way.

Officer at the window: Madam do you know what you have just done? Can I read you the law you just broke? Where is your phone?

She: Ssebo I went to driving school (liar) I know that law even I even asked my tutor and he taught me. So why is your friend saying I have a phone I don’t own a phone, you people think I don’t know my rights

Officer: Madam why don’t you just admit you are in the wrong and say sorry. Do you know I can book you in and take you to the cell? Where is your permit?

Me IMH: Here goes again she don’t have one and she is acting such a diva if I were this officer I would slap her for trying to make a fool out of herself and me.

She about to pee her pants: My God, I don’t have a permit I didn’t come with it I stay there in Kololo I just drove here to pick my husband he is there in Silk. He is even called (name drop) and he owns shares in silk. He is even a share holder when he comes you ask him he will tell you.

Me IMH: Ahem I bet by the time these officers go to bed they have heard all sorts of stupid stories from all panicky law breakers. I mean what has shares in silk got to do with my 7a.m to 7a.m job. So when you name drop then what? I mean seriously I know these people get a stupid salary that their bosses spend on just one breakfast. They sleep in houses their bosses dogs would never sleep in and yet when they catch you you want to make them look like the stupidest Ugandans alive. What has Kololo got to do with the situation at hand? The chick sounded like Mwenda at his best.

Officer politely: madam do you know that the IGP is there he could be seeing us. You know you have broken the law do you know I can book you in.

Me to her: Just admit you are in the wrong surely he saw you. Apologise and ask him to let you go

She: Ok officer I was just beeping here is my phone I just beeped him, but those officers are rude even in my job they teach us our rights (Must have missed the class) ok I am sorry but I wasn’t on phone blah blah blah blah

Meanwhile husband with the shares comes down the road…..(And my boss is standing behind me catch you later)

Made in Uganda

The end of the road wasn’t coming and I was getting irritated with the rotten surroundings around me. He said that we were going to interview Judith Heard surely she could never put up in such slums? Where would she park her Bentley on top of one of the shacks that pass off as a home?
But Willy Tamale wasn’t relenting he said we were to first stop at some house in the dingiest slums of Makindye to see some boys who make shoes. But we were just continuing deep into the slum jumping over sewerage, women staring, drainage flowing into drinking joint. I was irritated and acting a diva as if…..

Then we finally got there deep in the slum in Nkere Zone. Four Boys, as they like to call themselves were busy cutting shoe shapes out of rubber.

One sat at the sewing machine putting what looked like a piece of cloth on rubber.

Another spread glue on the finished shoe soles while another was making handles out of old belts. When Tamale said we were to visit some boys who make shoes I thought he meant boys who work for a company that make shoes not boys who churn out leaving buy being creative. Judith Heard surely wouldn’t mind waiting a while. I had found a much better interviewee

Here in this slum sat four boys turning rubber, old jackets and bets into wearable open shoes. My excitement genes kicked into full gear and I started asking all sorts of questions I was eager to know how they do it with such meager resources.

If you own a pair of African crafts sandals with the word Uganda on them, Four Boys made those shoes for you.

See it all started in 2006 when the shy Billy Kiyingi quit his job in Nairobi as a shoe craftsman, parked his bags jumped on a bus and came back to Uganda armed with the knowledge and skills of making African sandals.

He was tired of promoted Kenya and wanted to promote his own country hence the word Uganda on every pair of shoes they make.

He says I used to see many Ugandans coming to Kenya to buy those shoes which were sold here expensively. I knew that if I started that business here in Uganda it would make money and reduce on the price of the sandals in Uganda.

When he landed in Uganda Kiyingi got together with Hakim Semperezi, Ddamulira Kawenja and Richard kato and taught them the tricks of the trade. They were school dropouts like him.

They put money together went to Nakasero Market and bought a sewing machine for Shs 400.000 and then rented a small house in Makindye were the rent was affordable.

Everyone was assigned a role in the process of making shoes but they were also required to learn the whole process in case one of them was not around or ill.

They buy most of their material from Nairobi like the hides and skins which they buy for Shs. 2500 per metre. They also get the tough bond glue from Nairobi. Today they make over 20 pair of open shoes in a day.

The boys have also become innovative and craft shoes from old belts and jackets that are a good weekend wear for men. If one didn’t pay much attention one would mistake these shoes as imported from USA, UK or China.

Each pair is different from the next and if someone wanted artistic shoes the boys would gladly get down to crafting a pair.

Semperezi says that they sale their shoes at whole sale price for Shs. 15.000 on market day every Friday at 7th street industrial area.

We would be making a lot of money but Ugandans fear buying Ugandan made products even when they are good. So we make just enough to keep us in business

He says if they got a machine for fine finishing they would make finer looking shoes. For today all the shoes that have the label Uganda on them are made by these boys.

I know you have always been looking for weekend sandals, office sandals for the ladies in high heels, good quality open shoes for your children and simple long lasting shoes to get you around. Why not give four boys a call on 0774308349.

Forgive me bloggers for ……

…..I am not well. AT ALL. Whatelse do I say after that?
That I see you everyday at yours.
And that I miss Antipop
And that Mr Bigg is alive and kicking serious butt and says hi
And that why is everyone not blogging like they used to.
And that at least Tumwi has lived up to it shame on the rest of you. Antipop once in a full moon? SHAME on you.
Where is Ivan is he alive? B2B come on. Carsozy surely really you are the newbie here, blog everyday.
Cheri dont make me come out there and beat you into a pulp.
ERIQUE? Waswara.
Where is everyone else. Whats your excuse? I am off to the doctors.