…..Keep coming to my phone, calls text. IMs, emails.
That someone gave me a stomach.
This is how Ugandans ask
“They gave you a stomach? Hahahaha heheheheha Kyoka you girlo. Ahem bakumaze“
And the next person. “Oh my God who gave you a stomach? Who is that one who finally managed to put you down?“
And yet another “So you are the people who don’t sleep at night”
To this lot. No actually it was in broad day light I remember it was after brunch the neighbors were having a party next door“
And the next Ugandan
“You have a stomach? Who is the giver?”
Mukula in office: “Oh my God what happened?”
As if friend: Who is the father?
As if colleague: Who is the father?
Do I know this one: Who is the father?
Kasyate: “Issa Issa so after Lugalaaaa…………… (VERY pregnant pose a fly could lay eggs in his mouth they turn to larvae pupa and adult.
I want to flicker the poor soul collect his jaw from the floor and help him finish the sentence. But he goes on.) “……..Goodness you know with these people of the stomach you can now freely tap some of it and know you are not responsible for the stomach”
Don’t even remember his name: Who is the father?
Taxi Driver: :“Muwala webale butaswazza musajja notakoma kukumukula kwoka” For Detamble (Thanks for rewarding the man for all the times you detoothed him)
Serugo: <strong>Eh nga yo stomach looks as if there is a ban baking in the oven? Who gave you a stomach?
Carlo: Hey, how are you? Tired huh! Wen is the next party? Bridal shower baby shower? So how is Mr Big? (When is she gonna ask the billion dollar question? But she dont)
Cobbler: “Eeeh Muwala nga walaba nekisajja” (how do I say this? girl you saw the ki-man)
Abayisa ebivulu (Idlers): Wuwi mama nze nfudde,
ebizajja nga tebisasila
kale omwana wabandi omuto bwati
wowe .
Hawkers: “Muvile maama wegwanga (Move bitch get out of my way, oops I mean OUR way)
Taxi Driver: Omwana womusajja lwaki omulisa ebikajjo agya kuyika amalusu (Why are you feeding the man’s child with lots of sugarcane he will ooze so much)
Me: Gamba omusajja agye amuteke mulubuto lye amulise byayagala (Tell him to get the baby put it in his stomach and feed it whatever he wants)
Random guy: Omwana wabandi mukume bulungi (take luganda lessons already or talk to Baz I hope he charges per word)
Me: Fe bandi yatutama bwomusanga mugambe amwekumilenga
DKK: “You are now of damaged goods”
Some few girl friends who think they are growing younger: “Eh how can you allow to have a stomach? Kyoka you you want to grow old now? Does he have money? Wedding? Car? House in Kololo? Mwana wani? Kale for me ha how do I allow banange me I can not even walk in public looking like that. Oh God you have guts hmmm but you are not serious. Why don’t you have an abortion takes only a few minutes and you have your life back.
Some very few Ugandans and pretty much every white skinned person.
“Oh my God you have a stomach, congratulations (with a huge smile on face like s/he has seen the winning lotto number)
When are you due? You must be really excited. Eat healthy and good luck.
Any questions? Queries? Comments? Additional notes? Oh and tell Tumwi the memo is officially up why I have seen the inside of a of sonographer’s room