In my past life I was a softy. You might wanna read that again because I said In My Past Life. That was then. Try crossing my path now, my back hand grip will meet your face.
So in this past life I had a friend of mine, very good friend in fact best friend. Oba? How come I doubt? I used to live with her. She was the high flying have it all mean bitch type. None of our friends wanted to stay with her so I went ahead and did.
She would wake up on the wrong side of the bed and bite your head off, I would take that shit. We were opposites. All it would take is me shutting the F up when she bitched. Silence solves a lot of things.
When we had just joined Campus I didn’t have a phone. One night my best bud (?!?) was going away to see her boyfriend n she left me her phone. I asked if I could page (beep is so last year) some people. She said yes I should switch it off after I am done.
No sooner had she walked out than her mother called. (I went to grammar class people) Apparently her mother doesn’t expect her to have a boyfriend. Hahahahahahaha. HER? At Campus? A grown ass woman? If there are any mothers reading this and you agree you just don’t want your girls to get married.
So anywho mother calls, I go in panic, I didn’t know what to do coz I knew I was buried six feet under with that phone ringing in my hand. I used to be the room keeper if that’s what they call people who don’t go out everyone expects to find you in the room watching the door attending to bouncing benchers and taking messages.
So I run out the door calling out to her. She has zoomed off already. Another friend comes in I ask her to take the call because I was almost peeing my pants. (Life is so full of stages, was that me?) We tell the old woman her daughter is at neighbouring hostel in a discussion she is about to come back. Some discussion that one. Its almost 10p.m.
Then we call her on boyfriend’s phone tell her to call her mother who wants to talk to her.
In five minutes she kicked the door in James Bond style looking like a raging bull. Heck she could have carried a gun to complete the 007 scene. Ok I lie it don’t take five minutes to come from Bukoto to Braetd.
She: “You idiot bitch fool buffoon kumanyoko”
Me: “Eh listen you had jusss….”
She: SHUT UP you mother fucker, don’t talk to me, give me my phone you rotten piece of shit,” (Mother fucker? Me? Who does that? I am not even close to gay)
Me: In bed crying my eyes out.
Meanwhile my [brave]friend is standing here explaining to the raging bull there who is calling her mother (who just wanted to say good night by the way) and later her boyfriend.
She to boyfriend: You pussy never come to my hostel again. You’re stupid. You’re mother is stupid. You’re all stupid. You rotten pussy you refused to bring me back. Fuck you”
Me knew I was in deep shit, I mean Kakka. Double Kakka if you add on getting boyfriend in trouble. I wailed myself to sleep. (No no no no you’re embarraasing me Princess. No hugs)
How I wish I could re-live that moment again. Walahi I would bring Jackie Chan, Karate Kid, Jet Lee, Rambo, Michael Dudikoff, Cynthia Rothrock, and Stone Cold together and kick her James Bond ass back to boyfriend’s house and make her apologise to him with my patagonia up her ass. Thats not how to treat a man. What happened to the little word called respect?
To be continued………