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Archive for March, 2009

I got into office at 7.25a.m and asked for the papers. A colleague gave me the damn red rag saying “Here read about yourself”. What now what have I not done wrong this time?

Weekly Observer’s scribe Shifa Mwesigye is certainly the happiest gal alive at the moment after she met her muzungu internet lover for the very first time, 3a.m can exclusively reveal.
Word reachingt our desk indicates gorgeous Shifa hooked an aging USA muzungu from a lover’s site and they have been in constant contact via internet. “They have been doing it via the net, they are really in love” her pal intimated to us. But last week was certainly the best she’s ever had when the muzungu lover jetted in town for hot steamy romps. And according to pals the Muzungu has been massively impressed that he has vowed never to go back. They are set for a civil marriage, we are told.

And what do you know I have an internet Jjaja. I mean I am dating an aging muzungu Jjaja who has vowed not to go back to his country after our romps.

At office I am being called a pensioner waiting for the internet Jjaja to kick the proverbial bucket so I can run away to some unknown island and enjoy his money. Trust me if I had a choice I wouldn’t mind spending lavish days on some island enjoying some fellows bucks.

For the life of me I didn’t sweat it with red rag I have many things to worry about I don’t wanna age with red peppers whatevers. So that is how I found myself enjoying all the jokes that came my way.

One guy at office goes, “Maybe they mean that internet Jjaja was dipped in a tank of crude oil he turned black” Heh heh heh heh heh. I mean could he have said it better?

Then while I am still taking the beating from left right and centre arguing about internet Jjaja and why I opted for an old aging Jjaja rather than a strong dark 30 year old brother from the hood, a regular columnist with my newspaper walks in. He is called Martin Drakard we prefer to call him drunkard. He is a muzungu as young as 80something, short and small and yet very hardworking. He is all greyed and wrinkled.

“Chanel your internet Jjaja has come for you.” One of the guys goes. I mean the man appeared from no were in the nick of time. I couldn’t stop laughing. Mr Bigg now goes by internet Jjaja.

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Do you have a condom?

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One
day my girl’s “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold – my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law-to-be hugged me and said, “We’re very happy that you’ve passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. “Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story?

Always keep your condoms in your car

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P.I.M.P@chanel.com

I would like to take this moment to apologise to the acad…….

On second thought, I am not sorry for dumping your asses these couple of weeks. It was all worth it, every hour, minute second.

In other news, I received this email from a ka guy I last met at campus. That was three years ago. He must think I have nothing better to do that I run a brothel or Escort service or something. Granted I know cool people in this town and I have had my pimping days but do I look that idle that I don’t have better things to do?
See for your selevus

Hi, Chanel long time I last saw u in wandegz. How is Blogville today. Guess ur pushn on harder. Any way Chanel av gat this friend of mine he is a United Nations pilot he is the chief of air operations both for MONUC and UNIMIS missions. (I think this is supposed to get me running real fast) he’s now based in Sudan but he’s coming to Uganda tomorrow and wants to have company. (The last time I heard they were ten feet long ask the chicas who do business in Juba.)
He badly wants a serious beautiful chic to give him company every time he comes to Uganda. (Did he try checking on Speke road, Rock Gardens, industrial area)
He is a married man with two kids and he’s Ethiopian by origin. he is humble gentle kind safe (I wonder why this pimpernel aint hooking up his sister) and wants to have a Ugandan chic once serious he will pay all bills and a ride depending on how impressive and the character of the chic. (Ahem tulabye)
Chanel could you be having any idea pliz get to me and we connect an interested chic.

RIYALLE. Not that I am going to act like I cant believe someone would do a thing like this, heck in my trade I run into lots of these worn out suckers in their fixation days who want to run down someone’s daughter. I heard one told a young geezer

Mwana wange…….walindese ne ne nempumulamuko……… naye nfa.

Mwana wange?

I am almost tempted to forward this to lonely hearts page of Red Pepper and/or she of the rants. The problem is it doesn’t come with a phone number and the email address doesn’t have a name so its a waste to do anonymous. Where is the fun in that? I wouldnt be helping a sister would I?

Now imagine how degrading this is. The married buffoon wants to get laid but he is screening? Beautiful? Serious? SERIOUS?!??

He even wants to make a choice. Parade then cutes and he picks the best? Yes Ugandans are hospitable but to this extent?

I hear Pay bills and buy a car. So when you don’t see the car coming you know there is something you are doing wrong with that waist and you need to twist it a little harder? Some more to the left?

Depending on how impressive????? Yamawe. She even has to impress? In a week? Month? Year?

You are like a sample he is chewing on and goes,

“hhhmmm let me have one more and see if I am impressed. Hmmmmm cant quite make the taste lets see again”

After the umpth time he goes,

“Hmmmm not good enough. Next candidate”

Sometimes its sucks being a woman. Even the stupidest buffoons think they have a place to judge you. And sometimes women are stupid too. I am sure if I stand at Makerere University handing out fliers with this email printed on, I would make a couple of friends in a Jiffy promising me half of the bounty. And you ask me why young girls are shot dead every other day. Married at 17 to a show off, dating a line of gun welding men. Yo still asking why Godi’s teenage wife is six feet under?

HOWEVER ladies, falas Ooops I mean fellows, I know this grumpy old lady who sounds like she hasnt had some in a looooong time it’s blocking the side of her brain thats supposed to bring out the beauty in her. Man the chic can whine a hole in my ears.

Lately I have a buzzing sound ruining my good time if you know what I mean. If you run into her tell her to give me a call. I am tired of listening to her talk.

Duty calls. Till next time

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