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Archive for August, 2008

Who cares for the fish?

I don’t know whether to cry or laugh, feel sorry for or let my morals take into motions here. I don’t know if it’s offensive or not and I still don’t know what to do. To blog about this or not but I will go straight to the point after the back ground check

So Uganda has some high and mighty, the rich and famous. While you are crying about your empty pockets they are flying some slim thang to Guangzhou for shopping. This lot also keeps a list of girls they want to bone. They don’t care whether you are sisters, workmates, best friends or mother and daughter. They just care that you will be stupoid enough to fall for their crap lift your skirt up and face the ceiling in one of their slaughter houses.

Because of my trade, I know a few of these morons who are married by the way. And I know one or the other has had a go with the same girl. This I mean, two very good friends boning the same girl.

But anywho, as manly instinct I guess, I cant blame the guys for making a pass at me at some point or the other. There is nothing new here and it’s not something to show off about. But really for me to jump into this sea of shit, how will I gather the conscience to come back here and talk to you my blogren family.

So said dude in this Moron’s Club be on my case for like forever. The pervert looks like a baboon walking on fours. He also has his money, lots of it. He also has a fleet of some of the most expensive cars in Uganda, a life time membership to whatever club for me, trips to wherever and if I so as agree to his crap, I would be driving a few months down the road. Now weigh this side to side with my respect for you my family before I get to my real family. MY MOTHER.
Plus I said the dude looks like a baboon on fours. And the fool drives one of the most expensive Range Rovers I have seen on Ugandan soil I forgot.
The said money bags also has HIV and AIDS.

So really if any of the above wasn’t gonna scare me including that he is married, I surely don’t go around acting stupid. I don’t know if moral questions come into play here or what but I like for this guy to respect the fact that he is married and also keep his thingie under lock and key least he is tempted to go with someone’s daughter without protection. I hear at some point in a sex relationship things tend to take this road and one morning you wake up and there is no condom.

So anywho the dilemma is this.
Because I couldn’t show face at Faze II just so I am not made to write about immoral acts in this house, and coz I had sold my soul to this snake, I settle for catching the 12 fame chasers at Venue. My friend said she was there with her catch. And what do you know, my knight in shining horror was sitting with them.
So I sit my butt down next to my friend and buffoon gets down to his old game.
Minutes later a pretty young thing walks in looking like candy on a bar. I am no lesbian but I know a good looking when I see good looking. She is also one hell of a chatter box.
So anyway she dishes out her pleasantries and settles besides the buffoon. Me don’t know zilch about the connection between these two coz I be thinking no sane girl can say yes to this this this kind. In fact I be thinking she is his daughter. But wapi, this Miss Pretty Chatter Box is down for whatever.

Chatter Box sipping her chocolate: “There is no Aids in my family anyway. But anyway only one auntie of mine has died of Aids”

At some point in the small talk, I don’t remember which because Morris was stepping his designer shoe out of the Mercedes, the topic had changed to HIV.

Either she is trying her hand at sit down comedy but the four of us who have some idea FREEZE and keep silent. I could have sworn I was hearing Buffoon’s heart beating. And please don’t get me wrong, I am calling this buffoon names coz of his philandering ways not his status.

“Can you imagine this Juma was trying to line me? He tapped me on my shoulder and I said what the fuck do you want? I have heard many times that he has Aids. So I told him aint you the Juma who goes around lining girls and giving them Aids?”

Again more silence because seriously that is like shooting someone in the vena cava through the pulmonary artery.

“Me how can I date someone with Aids?”

This time I wish the ground could swallow me but all we can afford is

“uuuuuummmmmm” and more silence.
“Banage silimu aluma. There is nothing as bad and painful as Aids. Naye me I don’t want to get it because I saw my auntie suffering.”

So young lady what are you doing with this married man when you know that you are married.

No I am no ambassador of morals and their tenants. I try as much as possible to remember what my mother taught me and a few times-ok many times-I have done stuff out of the moral line. But at this point I, I mean we didn’t know what to say so the lady I know says

“Why don’t we leave those topics alone?”

You should have heard how fast we all agreed to her suggestion. And it was time to go anyway. So beautiful young thing speeds off with said guy with a bruised ego in his Mercedes sports car and I jump into a taxi home.

At which point I am thinking do I look for young girl and tell her to run for dear life? Won’t I come off as jealous loser who only wants to get buffoon for myself? Do I just sit back and relax like all other people who know the two but won’t say a word? Is it my business to scout for people who are dating HIV positive people that I might know for a fact? What is the morals here coz I don’t get what sort of person I am supposed to be at this point.

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Please tel…

Your lovers and Antipop that I am also going away, I need one of these things ASAP. Anyway that was just an excuse to get this photo here so I can see how it fits in well with the font. Antipop is already killing me. But yall already know she has that sweet smile. Would you look at that.

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I woke up this morning in one of the worst moods I have had going lately. By now I should be used to feeling like I am carrying the universe on my shoulder with all its burdens. But I wake up some days feeling worser than worse and every day it gets worse. I know that I should stop but I don’t stop. I have even considered some blue magic in fact if it was in my reach I would probably have pushed some down my nostrils I guess. But I don’t like Bobi Wine and apparently he is the guy to talk to. Maybe I am a big coward those American Gangstar people looked like a case of a very bad horror movie, “The return of the living dead” Tough luck. Someone says prayer will do the trick so I am gonna binge on this.

So this morning I was talking to one of my long lost buddies, (if seven days is long anyway). But being as I talk to her everyday seven days seemed like forever. Anyho while we were at it catching up on the latest what is the what and blosphere 411, this package comes in for me marked PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL.
Must be those guys from High Way Africa I have been waiting on for longer than long. So I rip the package apart with the enthusiasm of a child waiting for candy to pop out of a piñata.
My house mate that one when you give her a present she says ‘thanks’ takes it to her room and saves the grand opening for lately. I don’t know about you but I think people like these are crazy. How can anyone not want to know whats under those wrappers. Especially when it’s a present. Even if I swore on my life and promised you that I would save the grand opening for later, the minute you turn the corner I rip the thing apart and probably wrap it again just for your show later if there is one. Anticipation kills me and I hate it.

But anyway this particular package was better than candy.

Wait for it.

The original version of the awesomest greatest movie of all time SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. The one with Morgan Freeman and Tim Robins at their best.

The movie with a semblance to that classic The Count of Monte Cristo and a hopless imitation Prison Break that has Miller Wentworth trying to adopt the persona of Tim Robbins. That my friends is the best movie of all time. I tell you if you haven’t watched it then you should be ashamed of yourself. And NO I am not gonna give you any revs least I jinx it for you

Who could have been kind enough to bring that light out of my dark clouds? Who was it? I quickly searched for the note that comes with these things. Then my GOD the lovely person didn’t say. I mean this is what s/he said just to torture me a little more.

Hey chanel
Its been a while, hope all’s fine with you. Now I know you birthday has since passed but I am very aware that you love this movie. Please accent this 10th Anniversary, Three Disc Specidl Edition as your birthday present from me to you.

Happy Belated Birthday Chanel

Always

********************************

Lets see if your skills will help you figure out who its from becasue I wont be telling you. Lastly allow me to say sorry it’s taken me a while to get it to you. However we both know you can’t get an original one locally and it had to be an original one, just like you.
Nice viewing

Now for the love of me I am totally and completly floored but fooled.
Do you know what you are doing to me? Driving me crazy that’s what. My mind cant concentrate anymore. I have run everyone I know through my mind and I still can’t figure who it is. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseseee if its one of you lovely people get me out of my misery.

I beg you.
I am on bended toes.
Dora please say its you. Who? who? whom one?. I mean really when a person does something very nice for me it kills me that I don’t know who it is. Because this is what I wanna do for them.

Buy you a car
Take you out for dinner, a drink
Get you a threesome if that’s your fetish.
Box of Chocolate? White chocolate?
Perfume.
A date with antipop?
Ok All of the above. I swear that is how I be
I am serious here just get me out of this maze.

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Oliver Nakitanda just won a race in the free style swimming competition. Haha. That is enough for a country that thought we would be knocked out at the very first try. Now she will have something to talk about when she comes home and all I can say is good luck trying your hand at the a medal. It could shine……

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Once in a life time

Today is the 8th day of the 8th month of the 8th year, 8/8/08. Join the world to witness 8 seconds past 8 minutes at 8p.m on the 8th day of the eighth month on of the 8th year. 08:08:08 on 8/8/08.

At 8pm the olympic torch will be lit in Beijing

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So dont ask me to feel sorry for yours.

One of the most embarrassing moments in my life was when a guy asked me whether his is a good size.

You have asked/been asked the same question too? Yes? No?

You too? Well what did you do?

Seriously WTF do you want asking me such a question? And YOU? Don’t give me that look. You probably have never had to put your hand down his pants and find a cigarette attached there. Surely how the hell do you answer that when you look up with a sheepish face and he goes. “Do you like the size?” Of course I don’t smoke fool.

And why are you giving these cigarette welding men all the confidence that size don’t matter. The hell it doesn’t.

That is why the poor poor guy is asking me. Because he knows he has a problem on his hands. Does he have to drag me down with his problem? It is small so he is expecting that I will build his ego and maybe it will reflect in his pants? Man, I wish I hadn’t gone to the club that night I wouldn’t have looked forward to this moment only to take questions I don’t have answers to.

What do I do? Do I run? Do I pretend I have a headache? I guess some other woman has done that already. Change topic? What what what? Lie to him like the rest of the world. You know that line, it’s not the size but what you can achieve with it.

You see if you are out there and planning to bone a chic and later ask her that question and she uses that line to make you feel better, I will bet you a million dollars that the moment she gives you her back, you will never see her again. Her phone will either be off on ring for hours on end. When you manage to get her using “private number calling” she will tell you she will be having a headache on the day you propose to meet her.

So yes size matters to her her and her. (How do they do these link things) Don’t ask me if yours is ok. Go get yourself one of them blue pills or whatever so you won’t have to be embarrassed again.

And hey you with a larger than life thingy, this is not your green light to go showing it off that “my cock rules the world”.
One: If you cannot put your long dong silver to good use then yours is as good as nothing. Just bang the who-wha out of a girl and live her craving for more and then feeling that youare THE ONE? Get a life.
Two: All you just did is give me a reason to make that embarrassing visit to the gynae just to make sure my uterus is still intact. So yes even your size is a no no, more like pocking out my stomach.

Where am I going with this? Yes, first thing that will happen when a girl sees a cigarette or a ten foot pole, her mind will switch off. And when it does, good luck with your tricks of the game, coz if the mind aint there, the pink elephants wont be making a call that night.
Now if you are below 5 and above 7, you my brother are handicapped.

This here is a woman who refuses to rally behind Janet Museveni’s NBM program least I am stuck with a cigaratte for the rest of my life with a guy and his friends who expect me to give up my happiness for his ego. Men test drive cars before they buy them right? I need to test drive mine too becasue guess what? I am not a charity organisation.

Now the only thing that can get me to laugh lately. I love David Kelly

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