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Archive for September, 2008

For a while now, the lovely Chanel has been peppering her blog posts with references to a Mr. Big and perhaps to some, this Mr. Big was some nonexistent made up creation. As I proceed to let you know that I am a real living, breathing, and kicking human being, I would like to also let you know that I am the Mr. Big to her Carrie Bradshaw. And that’s how I came to be Mr. Big. Thank you very much.

Not only is Chanel sweet, lovely, and in possession of a major league youwouldbecrazytonotwantapieceofthisass rump, she is also a visionary who has had the foresight to come up with the idea of us tag teaming you. The first Ugandan blogging tag team. Ok, maybe not the first, but who is checking? So, claim I will.

Anyways, I am gonna be a bit of a regular here. Whenever I am not too busy buying coffee from farmers in Masaka. In case you are ever asked at a job interview, I am in the coffee business.

Before I proceed to close out this introduction, I would like to let you know about a little movie I am  anticipating. It doesn’t come out till next January, but I am psyched regardless. It’s called Notorious. Based on the life of Biggie Smalls aka Notorious B.I.G. I am very excited about Derek Luke’s turn as Puff Daddy. The trailer is already available online.

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Kiss and Pay

When New Vision was running their series on housegirls and their masters, i searched for this story to share it here. Then i finanly ran into it here

When Cecilia threatened she would leave a scar in my life as a constant reminder of her, I called her bluff. “What can a housegirl do to me, should she decide to spill the beans, no-one, not even my wife would believe I had sexual relationship with her. So I simply figured I had absolutely nothing to worry about. If only I knew what was coming I would have thought twice-before calling her bluff.”

Lamido declared with misty eyes. The 5ft.9 inch, fair complexion slightly built estate manager was drained of all pride and as he spoke, he kept glancing at his daughter who sat at the far end of the living room sandwiched between her mother and her grand mother.
Jasmine Sukumbi who was just three months away from her fifth birthday is a victim of circumstance. She had been caught in the middle of a deadly squabble between her father and Cecilia, his housegirl. Fair skinned, just like her father, Jasmine looked a far cry from the picture of her at three which hung on the wall, just above the television set.

The photograph portrayed Jasmine a healthy, robust and happy toddler. Although her face has not changed much, however the sparkle was no longer in her eyes and the zest exhibited by most children of her age was absent. As she sat with her damaged legs stretched out in front of her, one needs no prophet to know that she won’t be able to walk with those legs, for a long time and in fact it would take a miracle for Jasmine to walk again without the aid of clutches or artificial limbs. Her legs had been badly affected by the injury she sustained from the burns which the doctors had described as first degree.

Having just been discharged from the hospital, Jasmine was a pathetic sight and one wonders what life has in stock for the little girl who was punished for the crime her father committed. The most painful aspect of the whole saga is that the culprit was still at large and the chances that she would be apprehended and brought to book were very slim.

Cecilia had carefully planned both her attack and escape, and the question on everyone’s lips was “why did Cecilia deliberately dip a four-year old girl naked into a bath tub filled with hot water. A question, nobody, not even Jasmine could provide an answer to. The only one who could give the reason behind Cecilia’s act was Jasmine’s father.

Lamido’s story:
“When my wife, Ronke, and I decided to engage the services of Cecilia, we thought we were making the right choice. We had considered her age and background and concluded that our findings were an advantage.

Cecilia was 15 years old at the time or so she claimed, and she was either from Republic of Benin or Togo we did not know for sure. She was introduced to us by her former boss who was a close friend of ours. She became widowed and decided to leave Lagos for good, therefore, she would no longer require her services.

The only relative of Cecilia she knew had moved from Nigeria to Ghana, and luckily she had her phone number and through that we got in touch with her and the deal was concluded over the phone.
We were happy because we felt since Cecilia had no relatives in Nigeria, she won’t be able to play pranks on us or give us flimsy excuses to leave the house. Like her former boss, we paid Cecilia’s salary into a bank account. For over three years we had no troubles with Cecilia, she treated our little girl Jasmine well and carried out her duties efficiently. However things turned sour when I began to notice her curves or should I say when she began to flaunt her beautiful body.

My wife who is a banker leaves home early and returns late, but that is not to say that our sex life was suffering. Cecilia was just out to destroy me, looking back now I can see that all her moves were deliberate and calculated.

Whenever we were driving my daughter to school Cecilia normally seats at the back with Jasmine and for whatever reason Cecilia would be almost naked under her lose house dress and would seat carelessly with her legs spread apart. There was a day I almost had a head on collision with an on-coming vehicle because through the rear view mirror my eyes were focused between Cecilia’s legs instead of the road, she had long bushy fine glossy pubic hair and it aroused and fascinated me. Initially, I thought she was unaware that it was not a deliberate attack at my sexuality, but the trend continued, although I pretended not to notice I just looked forward to the ride every morning.

After about a month Cecilia changed her tactics she had her pubic hair in tiny neat braids, on a few occasions she had actually made me rush into my bedroom to give myself a wank.

Cecilia had full breasts. Rather than have them secured in a bra, she would leave them flapping loose in her dress. Since underwears were not a part of her dress code she had more than her breasts to flap around. Her actions attracted me like magnet attracts metal. I did my best to resist her but how far can a man go with a bitch like Cecilia. The final straw was when Cecilia began to attach silver beads to her pubic braids. One morning as we drove back to the house after dropping my daughter in school, I noticed Cecilia was fondling with the beads when I heard the soft noise they were making I was forced to ask her what she was doing and with no care in the world she pulled up her dress revealing the most decorated well groomed pubic hair I have ever seen.

My mouth began to salivate and it took quite an effort to drag my eyes back on the road and when I did I couldn’t concentrate on my driving.

As soon as I parked the car, Cecilia got out but her eyes were fixed on me seductively walking ahead of me she headed for the main entrance. As soon as we were in the house she stopped to face me and waited for my action or reaction with my back I pushed the door closed and turned the key my eyes fastened on her. I watched as she pulled up her dress, slipping it off through her head and dropped it on the floor. Her body was perfect with fat gathering only around her breasts hips and buttocks I have never seen a naked woman looking so beautiful.

I reached for my fly to release my erection which was threatening to burst through my trousers, but to my shock and amazement, Cecilia began to run towards her room I threw my trousers on the couch and ran after her. I caught up with her and grabbed her by the waist, and she began to cry. “Oga please take it easy” . Surprised I asked “have you not done it before” she gave a wicked smile and fell on her knees in front of me. She got hold of my erection and buried it in her mouth. It was only after I had emptied myself that she released me.

Then she lay on the bed and allowed me to do things to her body and that marked the beginning of our affair. Every time with Cecilia was different and exciting, she let me into her sinful world allowing me to do all kinds of things to her. I used my fingers, toes, phone. I’ve even used the end of my horse tail on her. After one year her behavior around the house remained the same, my wife or anybody did not have the slightest suspicion that I was having a sexual relationship with her. Cecilia did not make any monetary demands on me and even when I offered her money, she would refuse and tell me to keep it saying the time was not yet.

After my daughters fourth birthday Cecilia told us she was going back to Ghana were she grew up and from there she would travel to see her father in Togo and later travel back to her mother in the Republic of Benin. When we asked her if she would be coming back to Nigeria she said she was not sure. That made my wife feel so disappointed but there was nothing she could do. She had no idea how much I was going to miss Cecilia’s activeness in bed.

Close to the time she was to travel, Cecilia finally made her demand. During what turned out to be our last sexual session she demanded for a whopping sum of N1 million. I was aghast; I could not believe she could mention such a huge amount of money. “Would you recognize one million naira if you saw it?” I asked jokingly but Cecilia was not laughing when I realized she had become stone cold I was scared. “Now seriously” I said shifting nervously on the bed were I sat: “You know I can’t give you one million naira I would be cleaned out.”

“I have told you what I want, am leaving next week and if you don’t give me the money you will regret for the rest of your life.” She said “I can swear I saw fire in her eyes. I could not believe what I was hearing neither could I believe the new Cecilia. Nevertheless, I braced up, cleared my throat and said “look my friend is it because I am sleeping with you that makes you think you are worth a million naira? Anyway I will give you something next week” I added dismissively.

My wife paid off all her salaries and allowances and true to my words I gave Cecilia a sum of N30,000, but she did not appreciate it. She screamed, and cried and became dangerously quiet but I paid no attention as far as I was concerned I was done with her.

The following day, Cecilia went out very early and came back home late in the night. Two days later was a Saturday, we took the opportunity and went out shopping for food stuff and other things. While we were away, Cecilia switched on the water heater until the water was over boiling point, then she ran into the bathtub stripped my daughter and dipped her into the hot water before removing the plug to drain the water then she sneaked out of the house through the back door.

It was a kind neighbour who came to rescue my daughter when they heard her scream and groaning in pains. My daughter had sustained severe burns from her waist down.

This story was stripped from this website

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Inky Pinky Ponky

My friend is a bitch, a blackmailing bitch. Well because we share something, we have managed to stay together for what 5 years? Anyway her better half gives her these really cool earrings I be jealous every step she takes in them.

And some day she decides to cheat on him with me. Comes to my house and I knock her out so so bad with my awesomeness. She forgets that she had come wearing the cute things and leaves them behind. When I saw them I knew I had won a lottery. She would never see them again. I patented them. Refused to give them back. Told her to take me to Kayihura if she felt like it but she would never get them back. The price you pay for cheating.

Then she pulls a fast one on me today. Asks if I like corsets. Hell yeah I would kill to rock that number. You don’t know the attitude that comes with those sexy things. So I declare my undying love for corsets, how I would go to the moon for one yada yada yada. You bet she was smiling behind my computer. Then she unleashes a bomb.

“One pair of MY earrings for a corset”

Talk about being caught in the middle. But I refuse to go down like that. I am the queen of blackmail. I wear black belts for that stuff. I can blackmail all of you into buying me a BMW X5 if I wanted to. But I know all yall are broke, so I just let your broke asses be.

So anyho me give her back something she wants for just one corset? Hell no.

“Two corsets for your earrings”

But seriously there is only three people I can bitch to and they take it. My mother, Mr Bigg and her. They better be two woman otherwise I will come and steal those corsets too.

For Eleet’s pleasure and knowledge I will post this photo from this link so you know Corsets still exist indeed

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Malo in Grahamstown

So I be away in those of outside countries and surely you don’t expect me not to show off do you? Yup I am here to rub my malo in your face and you are gonna take it like the cool people I left behind. I know I know you missed me. Yeah so did I. In fact if I were you I would have dumped my sorry ass.

Ramdomness first. Remember that Shawshank? Mr Bigg be surfing the net and he runs into my mystery Shaw shank redemption dude here

Anyhow My lips are dry, very dry. They need to be moist sooner than soon. Not like that silly but they are burning. When I touch them they feel like cracked feet. Like Atacama Desert. I am paying for doing things last minute that I didn’t allow myself time to sit down and engage with cyber space to know what to expect in Grahamstown. Those of Ivan don’t want to teach us this thing called a global village. Well I was sent to tell you that it’s your responsibility to tell us about twits, wikis, afrigator, mybloglog, mobile media digitalisation in not so many words.

“Wisdom and power comes from knowledge shared not knowledge kept to ourselves. Media can play a leading role in creating an opportunity for all of us to come together” Now Ivan and company advocates don’t make me say it twice.

Where was I? Yeah the ice cold weather. It slapped me right across the face like I had asked for a fight. It was cold like death (as if I know) that coming from a country whose unreliable weather forecast only reads rainy and shiny I was in for rude awakening.

In South Africa the weather changes its mind depending on what mood it chooses any time of day. I learnt the term layering clothes.

That night it had chosen what I call ‘frozen cold and windy’ and my teeth were cracking. I was shaking and he was there in spirit to take it away. It didn’t work.
I noticed my colleagues were pulling jackets jumpers, shoals, and scarfs over their bodies. Apparently while I was busy doing last minute rounds they were busy collects all their warm clothing.

I knew I had to find myself a best friend to keep me going through the seven days of the cold-hot water bottle.

If you think Maureen Namatovu odid on that hot water bottle, I was hugging mine like it was my second skin while some white girls strut their stuff in micromini skirts and trendy shorts as if.

And so with my crazy demeanour that is how I managed to find my way around Grahamstown which if someone could take the cold away I would trade places with Kampala in a heart beat. Yeah yeah I know patriotism. But heck screw patriotism when Mbabazi is stealing my money and getting richer. Yes MY MONEY. I started paying social security a few months ago and I need for this town to be elevated to Grahamstown standards. I need at least one road without a pothole. Is that asking for too much.

Rhodes University could pass off for a small town in Uganda only that this small town is far more developed than the central business district of Uganda. I cant even compare any part of my country to it . And with all that learning aid projectors, libraries, equipment available to students I wonder if anyone fails here. What did South Africa eat that we didn’t? Princess you not telling us you’re having a bulasiti in class.

Anyho I was also taken aback by the clean environment here that sometimes it almost felt like there was someone watching my back if I made a mistake and imported my littering mannerism from Kampala to Grahamstown.

Then I be the dancehall queen in those of Grahamstown. Yeah people I didn’t embarrass you any bit. Away from my presentations and tutorials I had to show off how it’s done here. I be even in the papers what. Ask bongo flava.

And of course what is a visit to a foreign country without talking about the marvels of shopping. Big mistake Sunday morning I decided to walk down high street to the University to catch Proffesor Guy Berger’s opening address.


I ran into and out of Legit, Truworths, Edgars, Moschin with less time on my hand and a hole in my pocket. These guys at Woolworths are ripping us off here. Stuff in their sada shops costs peanuts. And to think we show off here when we buy from that ridiculous shop.
But with all these marvels I still have to put up with the pain of having lips that feel like concrete. If there was a medicine that could heal them in a minute I would give a blank cheque just so I can be normal again.
Now I am gonna sue antichild for slander.

Do you know the pains I went through to get this zulu boy for you?

Or this one.

This is Khaya Dlanga a young blogger best described as the guy with the “In your face arrogant opinions.” But you see he is international. Won an award at the conference. Ladies take him away. DeT I am talking to you to.
You can catch him here, here, here and here.

I paid big time to do this hair and it looked good. Then it hurt. It hurt so so bad if I was home I would have ripped it out.

And this is my tutor Jude Mathurine.


Yeah I know but you won’t be hearing me say it. I don’t live for only myself now. I can give you his contact details if you buy me a car. Even You GUG you are welcome to bid. Info don’t come that cheap you know plus it was cold in SA remember? So you have to pay big time.
Then there is this dude with the crazy hairs

Then me returning to Mbabazi’s crap but its home and it aint cold

So please ladies today is your day out. I will be a comment away and I take cash for those contacts.

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And I am sorry there is no male butt but I will give you some male stuff all right….

Carlo and Dee looking all pretty and brainy

Carlo again looking as pretty as always

Your either with us or with him. Enough with the texting

I bet you a million that was dedicated to Country Boyi

Rather to carry my work there than miss BHH

Is it just me or does he look knocked out already?

Please put a blog to this face and

this and…….

this

This is for Antipop. You see I looked out for yo interests too.

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Some BHH, more later

We be moving office that means disconnecting everything and connecting it again. the IT guy here is a quack; sometimes, actually many times. But anyway plus I have been on a rush and crash programe but I managed to catch a glance at some bagger;s crap. First the fotos then I will spill my guts too.

Enough with that here are those photos

Basix and Heaven

The one that Loves that New Vision dude. Half the time she talked about him. Yeah I am paid to report

Dante’s things

Ebintu bya Baz

Aaaaaahhhhh Antipop help me out here tell them these are for themselves. And no I dont love you like that

I have more where this came from but I have to go pack my bags. I will see you on the south and upload more

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